Friday, December 18, 2015

How To Live In UB in Winter (-30C)?

  1. If you can afford it, you need a Canada Goose or a fur coat, "over the knee" high boots or UGG boots, lots of cashmere (sweater, hat, scarf and gloves), double woollen pants to wear under your pants, and a shot of vodka.
  2. Stay indoors.
  3. Do not breath the air in the city, especially in the night.
  4. If you do not want to slip, break a bone or die on the street, do not walk confident! Walk like a penguin, because the pedestrian streets are full of lethal frozen ice, and the only way to walk on it is to slide or walk like a penguin.
  5. UB is small, so if you want to reach a destination, you'd better walk. Walking is faster than driving your car, because with a car you will be stuck in a traffic you cannot control and you will have the parking problem. Plus, you will be stressed out and you will age faster.
  6. Always carry a book or a Kindle with you, because people will be late. 
  7. Do not expect anything from anyone and anything. This is the only way you do not over stress yourself or feel disappointed. Plus, you will be super happy if something or someone does something right :) This is something I have learnt in Denmark - the big secret why Danes are the happiest people on Earth - LOWER YOUR EXPECTATION.
  8. Drink. Eat. Sleep well. There is no other way to survive in UB in winter.
  9. At the new year's parties, expect women to be dressed like they are going to the World Miss Competition or as if it is a summer - boobs and legs will be out, big hair, painted/tattooed eyebrows, fake eyelashes, etc. Men just get a shower, shave, put a suit on and gel their hair - lucky bastards.
  10. Get ready for new year parties with your family, friends and other friends, high school classmates, college classmates, former work colleagues, current work colleagues, and other corporate parties. Apologise to your liver in advance. 
  11. Do not look too pretty and stay away from drunk and handsy men or women.
  12. Do not quit or get fired from your job. You need it to pay for all the party expenses.
  13. Thank god you have parents and relatives to invite you for homemade dinner and lunch. Screw the healthy eating rules. You need a real Mongolian hot milk tea and lots of meat/fat to survive in this winter.
  14. Winter is coming. No, winter has come. Avoid being single, because you need someone to cuddle with and stay warm in the dark times. The night is dark and full of terrors!
  15. Use a body cream after you shower. You do not want the "Gobi Desert" situation on your skin!
  16. If you are a smoker, you need an extra smoke on top of this smog. The air pollution is just not enough for you.
  17. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, you need a lip balm. Otherwise, a) you will have the "Apocalypse" lip, b) you will not be able to smile/laugh or it will hurt/crack/bleed when you do, and c) nobody will kiss you. 
  18. I cannot think of anything else right now, so please, let me know how you survive in winter in UB! May the force be with you.